Cinematic Atrocity

5 Amazing Performances Hiding in Terrible MoviesI like to think of myself as a psychoanalytical cinema analyst, because "I drink kratom and watch Netflix in my underwear all day" looks shitty on a resume. For the most part, it’s a thankless job, and I’ve wasted so much of my life at this point that achieving true love or happiness is the most hopeless endeavor since the last time someone tried to discover what really makes Toaster Strudels so delicious.But occasionally I’ll discover something totally secret and totally great. I’ve talked before about how some terrible movies have amazing hidden meanings in them that will completely change the way you never, ever rewatch them, but now I’m talking about something more specific: a great performance, by a great actor, hiding in sea of cinematic travesty. These are actors who showed up on an ugly set, read a script written in poop by a deranged monkey, and decided to do a hell of a job anyway.Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time in the late ’80s, a man named Paul Verhoeven had a dream: he wanted to tell an adventure story about a wacky foreigner named Quaid with a broken brain and a robot mask who battles a government conspiracy and saves Mars. The result was the movie Total Recall, and it is mankind’s finest achievement aside from Xanax.This happens Wholesale Jerseys too. It’s a really good movie.Meanwhile, back in reality: 22 years later, some guy who’s name I didn’t bother to look up decided to remake that movie, but he cut out literally every element (there’s no fucking Mars) except the broken brain. They almost kept the "wacky foreigner" detail by casting Irishman Colin Farrell, but unfortunately they made him do an American accent. In case you don’t know this about Farrell, the energy required for him to fake an American accent uses up all his acting points, leaving nothing left.Did I mention there’s no Mars in this movie? Fuck that, you guys.The Glorious Majesty Buried WithinKate Beckinsale plays Quaid’s "wife," who turns out to be an assassin and she fucking crushes it. The only thing that works in this whole movie is the action sequences. And the only reason the action sequences work is because I’m pretty sure Beckinsale was actually trying to kill people.Part Wholesale NFL Jerseys of why she’s so cool is, aside from the very last scene, she doesn’t make any stupid movie character mistakes: for example, when the good guys are shooting at her, she takes cover behind her army of robots.Also, she uses Wholesale NFL Jerseys her army of robots.Because this is a movie about fake memories and deception, quite a few characters have alternate identities. Beckinsale changes her attitude and demeanor so much that it’s almost like seeing two different actors:For Farrell all they could think to do was give him a goatee, since he either only knows one facial expression or someone off camera is violently electrocuting him every time he lowers his eyebrows. The problem here is that her best scenes aren’t available on YouTube, and they don’t really hold up when I type them out. Like this one:BECKINSALE punches SOME GUY in the NECKBECKINSALE: When you get your breath back, you’re going to tell me everything that man said to you, starting from the beginning.Idiotic, right? But it’s so goddamn cool the way she does it, and I’m not even sure why, because I’m not very smart or even qualified to have this job writing jokes for you fine people. My point is that Beckinsale injects cocky menace into a boring, cookie cutter character, and it’s allllllllllllmost but not quite worth watching the movie for.4. Karl Urban in PriestThe Cinematic Atrocity Against World BuildingLet me tell you another story. In 2014, I spent a solid hour with my head in my hands, staring blankly at the keyboard, trying to think of how I could describe this fucking movie to you. I rewatched Priest last night, and I honestly haven’t felt quite right in my heart since.The basic premise is that vampires are fucking everywhere, and only ninja priests can save them, and also it’s the Old West for some reason but only sometimes, because people also have rocket powered motorcycles. It’s The Searchers with ancient warriors of god and rocket bikes in the desert. There’s a character named Hicks. Now you see the problem, right? Every detail in this movie, taken on its own, is awesome, and yet the movie itself is bad.But one thing stands out as extra awesome, which is .Karl Urban, the vampire cowboy.When an actor is given a role like "evil vampire cowboy," the only thing he’s legally allowed to do is have all the fun he possibly can. And that’s exactly what The Urbs does. He spends his entire 17 or so minutes of screen time going more whole hog than a drunk frat boy at an all you can bro grab competition.